A Wild Goose Chase
by Caisele
Summary: Through meticulous analysis and various experiments it has been confirmed: Edward Cullen is NOT a vampire. Warning: If you have no sense of humor please don't read. Oneshot.


**A WILD GOOSE CHASE By: Caisele

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DISCLAIMER: The purpose of this story is purely satirical. (And if you don't know what satirical means, you probably shouldn't read this.)

WARNING: Big words ahead! Stephenie Meyer isn't the only person who knows how to use/wield/employ a thesaurus/onomasticon/language reference book.

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Artemis Fowl was a boy genius, a criminal mastermind, and the son of an Irish tycoon who ruled the black markets throughout the world. He was also getting his expensive pants dirty, crouching in the undergrowth of a stretch of woods that lined the border of the Cullen estate. An odd place for a criminal prodigy to be, you say? Well, not precisely.

See…years ago when Artemis discovered the hidden race of fairies living in the subterranean of the earth's crust, he had swindled them of their gold, almost annihilated their peaceful world, and purloined their vanguard technology (all of which, in turn, taught him that the fairy world was not something he should tamper with – with help from several near death experiences and some time traveling freak accidents, of course)…and all of this had got Artemis thinking. In his exploits he'd met goblin gangs and idiosyncratic centaurs and malodorous trolls and crotchety elves and maniacal pixies…so why stop there?

If there are all those magnificent paranormal entities subsisting right under his nose, couldn't there be other fantastical creatures trotting about waiting for him to abduct, blackmail, or take advantage of one way or another?

And then Artemis got to work. He spent hours upon hours digging through old history books, ancient archives, and centuries-old myths. Researching. Delving. Inquiring. He resurfaced with a startling new discovery. Vampires.

Artemis couldn't take all the glory for this escapade, of course. He hacked a certain centaur's computer and sent Butler (his loyal manservant, bodyguard and…er…butler) around the world gathering information for him. And the breakthrough came when Butler managed to track down a man named J. Jenks who allegedly forged IDs and papers for a family called the Cullens, a family that_ never_ _aged_.

The moment Artemis obtained this piece of information he grabbed his equipment hopped on a plane and flew across the Atlantic to a dismal little settlement along the west coast of the United States, called Forks.

Hidden amongst the foliage, Artemis made sure they had donned the modified fairy helmets he filched, enabling them to see clearly in the dark. The helmets also had heat sensors, which were invaluable when tracking down a vampire. And just for good measure (or rather a bout of last-minute paranoia), Artemis made Butler and himself crude tin foil caps to prevent any unnecessary telepathic transmission that might (or might not) occur, even though Artemis was pretty certain the helmets suppressed their brainwaves enough that they wouldn't be happened upon by anything (or anyone) within ten feet. And Artemis was not intending to go anywhere ten feet near a vampire. Or at least not a cognizant one.

At the moment, Artemis was crouched with a pair of binoculars, surveying the house before them. It wasn't really impressive at all, this little shack they called a manor. With centuries to build up their fortune, why would vampires settle for this dingy little thing? It entire structure was barely the size of the Fowl castle's front foyer. Artemis was getting a twinge in his abdomen and a sour taste in his orifice. Maybe they've been sent on a wild goose chase after all.

The sky above was dimming to that matching a late summer's afternoon. Minutes ticked away. Artemis was getting antsy. He could feel Butler moving silently behind him. "Did you load the shooter?" Artemis asked, whispering into the helmet's mouth piece. Butler grunted in affirmation. Artemis wasn't satisfied. "Are the darts filled properly? I can't risk an air bubble. What about the silver? And you have the flamethrower on hand, I presume? Just in case the little rendezvous doesn't go as planned…?"

"Yes, Artemis," Butler said patiently, "Everything is set."

Just then light flooded the darkness before them as the manor's patio doors opened. A lone figure stepped out. Artemis adjusted the zoom on his binoculars' lenses. A pale face. Handsome. A bored, depressed expression. Artemis flicked on the heat sensors and pointed them at the figure. Nothing. Just tinges of blue and green. No sign or a heartbeat, or blood. No body heat. Artemis grinned to himself and gave the signal.

He heard the rustle of clothes as Butler lifted the shooter and aimed. The pale face turned in their direction. Artemis clenched his teeth. Hurry, Butler.

And the bodyguard pulled the trigger.

The dart moved so fast Artemis couldn't see it with his naked eye. But he did see how the pale face was snapped backwards as the dart impaled itself in its skull at two thousand and seven hundred miles per hour. Within the next second the vampire was down, immobilized by the silver extracts the dart had released into his body.

And Butler moved.

They had less than twenty seconds to retrieve their loot and retreat.

Inside the Cullen manor Emmett was arm wrestling with Carlisle. Veins bulging, Emmett was just about to go for the win when Alice burst into the room, eyes glazed over. Carlisle stood up at once. "Emmett," he had barely finished uttering the other vampire's name when Emmett dashed out of his chair and returned with Esme and Jasper in a tow. "I can't find Edward," he said hastily, "He must have gone off like he always–"

"_Edward_…" Alice groaned.

She could see him.

Edward was lying strapped down onto what looked like a modified operation table. The vivid lights made his bare torso look burning white. He had a chilling black hole in the centre of his forehead.

A boy stood over him with a giant man whose impressive girth put even Emmett to shame. The boy reached up to a disk that extended above the vampire from a mechanical arm. The boy flicked a switch atop it and a blinding light filled the room. Instantaneously, Edward's body lit up in sparkles. They gleamed like diamonds embedded in his skin.

The boy looked startled. "He's not burning," he murmured. He looked up at the giant, "He's not burning, Butler," he repeated, sounding quite offended. Butler looked confused. "Yes, Artemis. I can see that."

With a convulsed wave of his arm Artemis switched off the sun disk. He reached over to the metal cart beside him and lifted up a vial of murky blood. "And this," Artemis jabbed at it, "There wasn't a trace of anything remotely human in this. This is animal blood. Squirrels and rabbits and useless creatures like that."

Butler shrugged. "Maybe our vampire is a vegetarian…you know, maybe he doesn't drink human blood."

Artemis looked downright livid. "A vampire who doesn't drink human blood," he scoffed. "What kind of misdeed is this?" He snarled and gestured at Butler. "Secure him, and then wake him up." He left the room and reappeared behind a window looking into the room.

Butler hooked strings of silver to Edward's limbs then followed suit.

Edward awakened soon after. "_Bella_!" he bellowed.

Behind the window, Artemis raised one dark eyebrow. Edward raised his head from the table and glared at his captors, thrashing against the binds. "Have you come for her? Have you come for Bella?"

Artemis's eyes flickered up and caught Butler's. Then he looked back at Edward. "Yes," the boy said easily, "We have come for…_Bella_." He wrinkled his nose as he said the name.

Edward narrowed his eyes menacingly at the pair. "You will leave Forks," he hissed. "You will leave Bella. I shall protect her and her soul with all of my being, even if it means the end of me."

Artemis's expression changed from affronted to dubious. "He's…really quite angsty," he muttered to Butler. The manservant nodded. "He's overflowing with angst," he agreed.

"My life will not be complete unless I sacrifice myself for Bella," Edward continued, "I will do all that is in my power to protect her from the likes of you while I am living…if that is what I am…"

"Oh, God," Artemis sighed, looking fully defeated now. "He's a masochist too," Artemis eyed the silver that Edward was struggling against, seemingly unaware of the pain as the sacred metal left crimson welts along his wrists.

"He's angsty," Butler added.

"He has perfect hair that's gelled just right–"

"And he _sparkles_…"

"–And is a vegetarian."

"…Who lives in a big house with rich parents and wears designer clothes–"

"–And he _sparkles_!"

"This isn't a vampire," Butler growled.

Artemis sighed in agreement. "No. This…this is just a normal everyday gay emo boy."

Alice slumped backward. Jasper caught her about the waist.

"What has happened?" Carlisle enquired urgently. "What did you foresee?"

Alice managed a weak smile. "Nothing to worry about. Just a wild goose chase."

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**CAISELE:**

My first crossover fic!

Now, why, Caisele, do you keep writing these nonsense oneshots when you have two fics you promised to update regularly, you ask? Well…because I have my finals this week and these oneshots are my way of procrastinating – which is really an understated art, it's really truly quite beautiful. I don't want to study, and I'm pretty sure I failed an exam today (I'm really not exaggerating) but I'm sure you guys don't really give a crap about my pain as long as I keep these oneshots coming.

Happy reading to you and happy procrastination to me. _Red Sand_ will be updated in a day or so (cross your fingers) and I probably won't get around to _Vampires_ this week since I do have another original fic on FictionPress that I'm trying to work on…

ANYWAY, thanks for sitting through my rambling and since you got this far already **please leave a review** :)


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